It's been ten years since my son Caleb Andrew Dubas passed away.  It would be wrong not to honor him yet the grim reminder of this upcoming milestone has been weighing on my heart long before it's arrival and I am still not sure what the day will bring as it's not for 7 days from now. While the sting is less, his death along with the consuming dark cloud has rained on my soul ever since. I am still utterly broken. I get though life most days seemingly normal. I go through the motions and though I am not consumed with grief like in the beginning, there is just a drag on my soul. My sails are up, but I seem to be dragging an anchor everywhere I go. Over long periods, the weight is less but always there even in calm waters. 

It's hard to locate words to describe. I continue to be apathetic and cynical about most things even with my relationship with God that has also suffered. I still pray and believe but in a lot of ways I have never shaken my anger at God. I know that is selfish, but I have no other way to explain my malaise. I still perform at a high level and work and life yet the depths of my soul, there is sludge. 

I don't like to sit still. I find myself continually trying to distract myself usually with technology of various types. There is always background noise in my life as I go from one thing to the next as stillness and being in touch with reality is not a place I like to dwell. I can't say I understand life and the pain that comes with it. There have been times where I wonder how anything matters when it all goes away. The people we love, the things we do and create all will be consumed in the end. And while this might drive many to the eternal, I can't even say I full grasp that because my mind is not able to understand the beginning or the end and what life really is. These ramblings are just bunny trails and mental gymnastics.

I think if I am honest, there is some depression (anger turned inwards) and I hate not being in control. I have everything I need in life and yet I still feel like I am on a hamster wheel to nowhere. I'm now 50 years old an despite myself, accomplished a lot and continue to pour out my life to others. Just because I don't get it, I still want to bring comfort to others and my drive to provide for my family is insatiable. 

I set out to write this blog without a rutter. I can't say I have plan for what I want to convey. I know so many parents lose their children before their time and I can say it's a very heavy weight, but it does not mean the end. It's a process. Everyone grieves in different ways and I think if I wasn't so stubborn, I would have taken the knee and submitted but I keep fighting for my right to be angry. 

I am also writing this close to a very big anniversary after losing my son. I don't want you do think it's all doom and gloom. I very much have fun, I laugh and I can feel fairly normal. If I had to compare where I am now to when my son died, I am very much free overall but there is this ick deep down in that is hard to cover up. It's that scar that has mostly healed but still causes occasional pain. I still get jabs sometimes when certain memories flash to the surface. Overall, I am in a much better place.

I just don't want to paint a rosy picture for what recovery looks like. I can say I have "recovered" but it's different. I am not the same person. I am better in some ways but still broken in other ways. I am damaged. This type of damage can come from many injuries in life, not just the loss of a child and we never know what twist or turns life will bring or what's around the corner. 

While reflecting deeper recently, I can say I do want to work on life on life's terms and just start enjoying the moment because it's all I have. I want to smell the roses. I want to walk in the forest and feel warm sunshine on my shoulders. I want to sit and listen to ocean waves. I want to love nature and all it's beauty. I want to get away from the grind of life and enjoy what time I have left on more meaningful things. Consuming life in a different way. I do feel there is a turning coming in my life and there is hope for a different path that is not the past being ever present. 

So continue to send prayers my way. I don't have the answers and I continue to question. I guess this is part of life and the journey it is. Losing a child is devastating. It's not the end. It's just different now. 

Caleb, I miss you. 


Author: Andrew Dubas