Wednesday October 14, 2014.

I wasn't sure what this day would bring. It's definitely emotional. I woke up at around 5:00 AM mountain time to my phone vibrating with messages. I had a lot of work emails and got busy working some issues that needed tending and it seemed like today might just be a normal day in that respect however once the east coast was awake, the well wishes started to roll in on social media and text. While in the shower (where I do my best thinking), I was processing what I might post to memorialize Caleb on this day and the water started to stream from my eyes as I started to count the cost and feel the loss all over again. I'm not focused on the trauma of that day but only how I miss Caleb. The good memories that I like to savor yet also jerk my soul because I won't be seeing Caleb again this side of heaven and I don't know how many days God has numbered for me. It's hard for sure and I can only draw closer to God. This is the only place I find refuge and strength.

I know in Luke 16:25-26 God speaks of a chasm and Caleb can't hear me however I did ask Jesus to relay the message that I love and miss Caleb. I know I won't get a read receipt but I trust that Caleb is with the Lord and I will see him again. King David spoke to this in 2 Samuel 12:23 that he would go to him (his son who died). This is comforting to an extent but there is an unknown amount of time between then and now so I will continue to trust in God and keep looking up. I can't help but look around the world with all the chaos and trust that Jesus is coming soon. I know there have been world wars and people in past generations have felt the same way but for me it just feels ripe. Like something is afoot. Time will tell but for now I remember my son and miss him. I have to get on with my day so I will cut this one short. I love and miss you Caleb Andrew Dubas!

Author: Andrew Dubas