Routines Challenged

Today, October 28, 2014 marks 14 days since Caleb has passed but more importantly it has been 15 full days since my family and I have had a sit down meal together without guests. The outpouring of support since Caleb went to be with the Lord has been truly amazing and at times overwhelming. We've had meals brought to us, countless visitors and in general a plethora of distractions. Today however was different because though my wife had daytime visitors, we had our first meal together without guests this evening and another reminder of how daily routines are being challenged. Last week, the kids felt ready to go back to school so they did and this week I went back to work. Starting to reclaim some routine in our lives has been a good first step to recovery as a family however there was something very different about dinner tonight.

As meal time approached, Tiffany looked distraught as I entered the kitchen; her glassy eyes began to spill over and sorrow soaked tears slid down her cheeks as she approached me for a hug in obvious distress. She asked for help to prepare dinner because she was having to get the place settings and tonight the one for Caleb would be missing. This would be our first dinner without Caleb as a family. We had already removed Caleb's high chair in the kitchen as it was a bit too much to bare but again every other night we had distractions. I could feel my soul churn as what Tiffany had already begun to experience was starting to consume me. As each moment passed, I knew as a family we would have to pass through this door. The kids could see our concern. I wanted to go straight to the Lord and immediately turned on worship music  and cranked it loud throughout the house. I needed to set my affection on the Lord and focus on him for comfort. Honestly, worship music has been medicine to my soul. I knew that I would have to pray before our meal but tonight would be different. We normally hold hands as a family and I knew tonight would be no exception. I could feel the weight of the moment.

I truly felt different and prayed differently as well. It was not the normal, "Thank you for this day Lord and thank you for this food may it bless our bodies to do your will." type of prayer. I definitely went deeper as I felt very connected to God in that moment. Though my prayer was not super long it was definitely specific in asking for comfort as we missed Caleb at the dinner table. Though I do not recall my every word, I felt the Holy Spirit lead me. It was refreshing. I yearn for more family connection like that. We generally do not pray very much as a family or have devotions as distractions scatter us in every direction. I think that is a mistake. Even before Caleb's passing for weeks before I think God was working on my heart for more devotion. I am not sure where this will go but I know that God is refining me in way I never thought possible. I look forward to where God will be taking us. We miss Caleb dearly and I covet your prayers. This time in our lives has really tested our faith. So fitting that my wife and I have been memorizing the book of James. Read it, you will know what I mean.

I think this whole dinner thing will get better over time however tonight former routines have been challenged in a good way. One thing is for certain... a simple dinner prayer won't cut it any longer. To God be the glory!

Author: Andrew Dubas