The loss of a child runs deep… It’s been 15 months now since my son has passed away. Most days are seemingly normal for the most part with exception to triggered thoughts that come from nowhere. Watching a football game this evening a commercial came on the TV for some crime show and it briefly showed a morgue body tray being pulled out with a covered body and my brain instantly flashed back to the mental trauma of seeing my son’s lifeless body at the hospital. Being there in the ER room while the doctors tried to revive him still haunts me deeply. It’s not something I think about often and I try at all cost to avoid re-playing those memories however sometimes they just pop in to my brain suddenly and take center stage when triggered by certain associations. I then have to process quickly and redirect to some other thought. It’s hard not to run down bunny trails in my mind. I’ve certainly gotten better control but I am quickly reminded how deep into my soul my son resides.
I haven’t written in a while and I’m not sure what that means. I’ve been fighting through every day and on the surface I’m OK. Deep down though, I’m stuck with a really bad reality that invokes many different emotions. It messes with me if I allow it but sometimes I have a difficult time not wanting to dwell... I seek after God however many times I take my son’s death personally. I find myself some days angry at God. I question a lot of things and I can’t help but be real about it. It’s a struggle. I miss my son and I don’t understand. Life is so incredibly fragile and my son wasn’t sick. He was perfectly healthy, happy and loved life! He was just starting to say his first words. I never got to hear him say, “Dad”. I guess the list goes on for eternity… I am grateful for the time I had with him yet I am more focused on the pain and loss at times because that comes front and center.
It doesn’t go away… This new reality is constantly poking me in the gut when I least expect it. It’s hard to avoid. I guess I’m just pissed off. It’s not right… I have no control to change it. I’d liken it to a stain on my soul that will not wash off. I try to peel it off and get away from it but I’m afraid its permanent. There is no escape at this point. Though from where I was until now I certainly have made progress. This whole thing is a process…
In other news since my last writings my Wife and I learned we are again with child. We are expecting a new baby July 26, 2016. This also comes with mixed emotions. We have been committed to letting God decide the size of our family and I thought for sure if God allowed our son to die why would he bless us with another? This new baby will have no idea the life we had up to this point. He/she will be another clean slate. To take all the things we have learned from our other six children, my late son and apply this to the new one. I’m already running scenarios in my mind about what this might be like. In some ways I am scared to start over. Could I possibly endure another loss? Will we get it right this time? I have some teenage boys who are growing up fast. The trauma of losing a child runs so deep and it’s a pain I’d like to never feel again. This fear certainly will affect our decision making. I can imagine I will be quite obsessed with a new baby.
It will be like having our first all over again. There are exciting and scary times ahead and this road has been crazy. Having lots of children is no walk in the park. It is very demanding and rewarding at the same time. I am looking forward to a new baby Dubas. I know he/she can’t replace Caleb yet my fear is the baggage will affect this new little one… In addition, my wife is 42 and there’s a lot of risk with a pregnancy now and all of these things weigh on my mind.
God is in control not me and every day this is ever more evident. I do thank God for the many blessings in our lives. It’s just a process that is not anything like I’ve ever experienced. Life is moving on but pieces of me are stuck in the past. It’s a tight rope walk. One day a time.
Author: Andrew Dubas
andrew@dubas.org