Like a ship without a rudder, I think the more I reflect, the more I'm realizing I have been drifting at sea when it comes to my relationship with God. When tragedy strikes you can either run to God or from God. I've done both over the last 5 years since my son passed away in 2014. I have so many ups and downs of which I expect is normal after losing a child.

On Saturday March 14, 2020 I was watching YouTube when a trailer for the new movie "I Still Believe" came into my viewing feed. I know Jeremy Camp's music and I knew of his story to some extent because I've seen him in concert many times. His music has impacted me over the years so naturally I clicked on the trailer to see what the movie was about.

I wasn't in more than a few moments of watching when tears began to stream down my face. So often I suppress my emotions only to ignore the pain of losing my child. Trust me, I've had them all and sometimes I run from God in anger because I don't understand. Like a spoiled child who only wants what I want it's easy to let my pride rise to the top.

I easily get stuck in routine and go through the motions because it's what I know. When I don't feel like praying or being close to God I just wander and that compounds on itself until I get to a point where all my suppressed emotions erupt usually in tears of brokenness.

I knew right when I watched that movie trailer I needed to see this film as soon as possible. I immediately looked up show times and with total disregard to social distancing because of the coronavirus, I left my house with a few minutes to spare with my daughter to go see the film. Though I would have no reservations to go on my own at any cost, I knew Jeremy Camp was the first concert my daughter saw and she may appreciate the film as well.

I stuffed my jacket pockets with tissues and went to see the film and wasn't long before tears were streaming. Some things struck me in that film that I really needed. On more than one occasion God said, "No" to Jeremy Camp with not only his younger brother's health, his father's ministry and his wife's death from cancer and yet through it all he still pressed into God and reverberated that you can only do one of two things... Run from God or run to God.

To know more about his story and his reactions has been a huge inspiration as I have been suffering some of the same questions he had and it gives more meaning to his songs that have meant a lot to me over the years. To know he wrote "Walk by Faith" before his wife passed away and "I still Believe" about two weeks after his wife went to be with the Lord really caused me to listen more carefully to the lyrics.

To say the least, this film has had a huge impact on me in a positive way. It has renewed my spirit in a big way and is changing the way I look at my son's death. I'd say it was a well needed attitude adjustment when I needed it most. I will always be on this journey and I have no idea where this will take me but as I cried out at my son's funeral in front of all our family was, "As for me and my house we will server the Lord!"

I intend to honor that promise. I still know where home is. I still need prayer. I still need God. I still believe.

Thanks you Jeremy Camp for your testimony and specifically for the lyrics in "Walk by Faith" that state, "This broken road prepares your will for me."

I have been on a broken road my whole life and I don't expect that to change. God is perfecting my faith even when I try to hide. It's time to press in.

Author: Andrew Dubas - andrew@dubas.org

"I Still Believe" official movie trailer: